


How Not to Do Hannukah Planning

by Hawkingjay



Category: Hawkeye (Comics), Young Avengers
Genre: Body Swap, Gratuitous Russian, Hijinks & Shenanigans, M/M, Other, tracksuit mafia - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-11
Updated: 2014-09-11
Packaged: 2018-02-17 01:17:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2291606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hawkingjay/pseuds/Hawkingjay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When a spell goes awry, Billy wakes up as Kate and Kate wakes up as Billy, and they have to fix each others' messes. Set after Volume 2 of Young Avengers and the current run of Hawkeye.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How Not to Do Hannukah Planning

            If there was one thing that Billy Kaplan had failed to learn over all of the time he’d been using his powers, it was that precision was key. That was the problem that struck him right before Hanukkah. His parents, being his parents, were talking about getting his friends gifts for the holiday.

            “I know most of them don’t celebrate the holiday, but I still think that they would still appreciate something,” his mom said.

            “Yeah, I guess you’re right,” Billy said before heading up to his room.

            “So think about what you want to get them,” his mother said. He had ideas for gifts for everyone, even some of the more difficult members of his team. Except, of course, for one person. Kate Bishop had a history of being indecipherable like that. After all, Billy wondered, what do you get for the girl who has everything? The only think he could think that she wanted was the one thing that always seemed to go wrong. So it looked like Kate wouldn’t be spending the holidays with her mom.

            He tried to think of a way to find out what kind of gift, berating himself. _I have the power to alter reality and I even think of a gift for Kate for a holiday she doesn’t even celebrate,_ he thought. That’s when he remembered the resource that literally sat at his fingertips. As he paced his room, he muttered, “I wish I could get inside Kate Bishop’s head” over and over again. Much to his dismay, however, nothing seemed to happen. He was interrupted by a knock at his door.

            “Come in.” It was Teddy, who instantly recognized what he was doing.

            “What are you doing?” Teddy asked, more as a warning than an actual question.

            “I’m trying to think of a gift for Kate for Hanukkah,” Billy said. Teddy immediately donned an expression of concern for his boyfriend.

            “Don’t worry about it. She’ll probably love whatever you decide to get her. Plus, even if she doesn’t, she’ll spend more time complaining about whatever the other Hawkeye decided to get her,” Teddy said, alluding to Clint Barton’s horrible gift-giving ability.

            “I know. It’s just that Kate has always been there, especially last year. I mean, she was basically the closest thing we had to a parent who wasn’t controlled by Mother,” Billy said with a sigh, still pacing his room. Teddy stopped him, and looked into his eyes.

            “Look, I’m sure you’ll think of the best present ever. Just get some sleep, and hopefully you’ll think of something in the morning.”

            “You’re right,” Billy said with a smile, “I love you.”

            “I love you, too.” Teddy said as he headed out. Billy decided to heed his boyfriend’s suggestion and go to sleep.

            The next morning, something felt inexplicably strange. His alarm clock sounded different, for whatever reason. He just figured that he was tired, and that it was something that wasn’t out of the ordinary. He mumbled halfheartedly “I want my alarm to turn off.”

            Nothing happened. Billy took another breath, and then said the phrase again.

            Nothing again. Billy opened his eyes, because something was very clearly wrong if his magic wasn’t working. Immediately, everything in his vision was purple. He recognized it instantly as Kate’s bedroom in her apartment. He got up to turn off the alarm, and a sheet of dark hair fell in his face. It was then that he realized that he was not only in his own home, but he was also not in his own body.  As he got out of bed, he heard someone say, “good. You’re up”. He turned and saw a redhead he didn’t recognize standing in the doorframe.

 

            Needless to say, Kate Bishop was incredibly confused when she woke up. Most of this was because instead of being woken up by her alarm clock, she was woken up by Teddy Altman.

            “Good morning, Billy,” he said.

            “Billy?” Kate said. She tried to think of what exactly could possibly be going on.

            “Is something wrong?” Teddy asked, a look of concern arriving on his face. Kate ran her fingers through her hair, and felt remnants of hair gel. It was then that she understood what was going on.

            “Aw, Billy.” She muttered.

            “Billy, what is it?” Teddy asked, a hint of alarm creeping into his voice. Kate exhaled quickly before responding.

            “Unless something has gone completely wrong, which the more I think about it seems to be the case, I’m not Billy. I’m Kate.” She said.

            “Kate?”

            “You know, Hawkeye? Your twenty-one year old teammate who refuses to buy Tommy alcohol? Clint Barton hangs out with me?”

            “Oh, no…” Teddy said. This caught Kate’s attention. She hesitated before she said something.

            “What’s ‘oh no’?”

            “Billy cast a spell last night, and it must have gone wrong. I guess-“ Teddy was cut short as Billy’s phone buzzed.

            It was a text from Kate, and it read, “What is the Black Widow doing in your apartment?”

            “Oh, futz,” Kate muttered, and she got up, hoping to save Billy from her friend-of-a-friend.

 

            “What the hell are you doing in my room?” Billy asked, almost shouting. He had discovered a new level of alarm, which was impressive, considering he had gone on several life-or-death missions with the Avengers.

            “You think you’d be used to it by now, Katherine. Really,” Natasha said, rolling her eyes. This somehow shocked Billy even more. He was split between offering Kate his place so she could avoid having professional assassins break in, and cutting all ties with her so Romanoff wouldn’t track him down. Despite his panic, he was able to act rationally. He presumed this was because of the sheer amount of adrenaline running through his system.

            “You still didn’t answer my question,” he said, his voice surprisingly steady.

            “Why do you think I’m here? It’s Barton,” Natasha said, exasperation lining her voice. Through the fog that was a combination of exhaustion and confusion, Billy remembered that Kate was incredibly close to the original Hawkeye, so that’s probably who Natasha was talking about.

            “You mean the other Hawkeye?” Billy asked, just to make sure. If there was one thing he had learned after years of being a superhero, it was that he could never be too careful.

            “ _Da_ ,” Natasha said. She put her hand to her temple, not even trying to hide her frustration, “Honestly, Bishop, what’s wrong with you this morning?” Billy figured it would be dangerous not to answer the question with some degree of truth.

            “Teammate troubles,” he said simply. Natasha raised her eyebrows, but didn’t ask for any elaboration.

            “Yeah, well, you need to check that shit at the door, as they say. Anyway, I need you to come with me,” Natasha said, after seeing the look Billy was giving her, she added, “or at least give me your spare key.”

            “Spare key?”

            “To Barton’s apartment. Pay attention!” Natasha snapped. She immediately calmed down, looking like she had never lost her cool in the first place, “I have reason to believe he’s in trouble and I have a direct order from Fury to investigate.” Billy felt his mind race. He wanted to do anything to help. Natasha Romanoff was one of the most talented Avengers when it came to hand-to-hand combat, despite not having any powers. Billy was a bit of a fan of hers. No, scratch that. Billy was a huge fan of hers. However, he was forced to keep up the act that he and Kate were in the bodies that they were supposed to be in, meaning he couldn’t express his excitement. So instead, he held his head in his hands, part to convey exasperation, and part to hide the enthusiasm on his face.

            “Oh, futz,” Billy said, remembering the euphemism he knew Kate had picked up from Clint, “what did he do this time?”

            “You remember… he calls them ‘the tracksuit mafia’, I believe?” Natasha said, trying to recall the name of the antagonists in this particular case. The name seemed familiar to Billy. He remembered Kate grumbling about them; mostly ranting about how insulting it was that they had called her “Broad”. Still, he remembered enough to continue the illusion of being the younger Hawkeye.

            “Unfortunately.”

            “Well, I have reason to believe they’ve put out a hit on Barton. So it’s good old fashioned babysitting,” Natasha said. She seemed to share the same reluctance that Billy did.

            “Okay, just give me a minute to get ready,” Billy said, shooing her out the door of the room. She looked like she was about to say something, when Billy added, “don’t worry; I’ll be quick.” He then shut the door on her and texted Kate.

 

_Me: Natasha Romanoff is here asking me to help her babysit Hawkeye. What should I do & where do you keep the spare key to his apartment_

_Billy Kaplan: of course she is. just go along w/her & make sure she doesnt kill him or w/e._

_Billy Kaplan: also the spare key is w/ the rest of my keys on the kitchen table._

_Me: Thanks!!!_

 

            “You done?” Natasha asked, and Billy noticed she was almost out the door. He grabbed the keys and handed them to Natasha.

            “What are you doing?” Natasha asked, looking at the keys.

            “You’re driving, right?” Billy asked, with a frown. Natasha just stared at him.

            “Why the hell would I drive your car?” Natasha asked. She shrugged, then said, “you’re weird, Bishop. And you’re driving.” Billy’s face paled. Being from New York City, and not being ridiculously rich like Kate, he had no idea how to drive. He also didn’t know where Clint lived. This was going to be interesting.

 

            Kate kicked Teddy out while she got ready. She knew Billy had to be bailed out as soon as possible, but she didn’t think he’d appreciate it if she went out in his pajamas while still in his body. So she put on his costume, grabbed any sort of weapon she could find, and ran out the door, while Teddy was waiting outside of the doorframe.

            “Teddy, does Billy’s family have a car?” She asked. She was concerned by the look of confusion that spread across his face. “What?”

            “You do know that most people in New York City don’t have cars, right?” Teddy asked her slowly.

            “I did not realize that,” Kate said, feeling incredibly awkward. Kate tried not to let having money keep her from realizing how the rest of the world worked, but sometimes she just couldn’t help it. “In that case, can you take me?”

            “Kate, you can go yourself. Magic, remember?” Teddy asked her. Kate just shifted uncomfortably.

            “I don’t think that’s a good idea. Billy can’t even fully control his powers, and he’s used to them by now. I’ve only had them for a few hours, and I’m lucky I even got this on,” Kate said, gesturing towards the costume, “and the cloak’s a little messed up. Teddy, please?” He knew it was Kate in Billy’s body, but he still melted a little upon seeing Billy’s signature pleading look.

            “Okay,” he conceded. He picked Kate up and ran her out the door of the brownstone, and then shifted into his signature Hulkling form.

            “I don’t think I’ve ever had you fly me somewhere when we weren’t being chased by bad guys,” Kate mused. Teddy frowned.

            “Well, don’t get too excited, Kate, we still have a bit of a time crunch,” Teddy said, “where to?”

            “Let’s start at my apartment, and look on the route from my apartment to Clint’s building,” Kate said. Teddy took off, and they flew silently for a few minutes before Kate finally spoke.

            “Wait, what’s that?” Kate asked, frowning.

            “What?”

            “That purple car, look how it’s moving. It’s like, learn how to drive, right?”

            “I don’t-“ Teddy said, before looking a bit more, “Oh my God, what is that car doing?”

            “I don’t- holy shit, that’s my car!”

            “You sure?”

            “I’d recognize it anywhere. Let’s go down a bit.” Teddy swooped down, until they were flying right next to the car.

            “Hey, Agent Romanoff,” Kate said.

 

            Billy looked at the wheel of the car uneasily as he got into the driver’s seat. Sure, he had never driven before, and the fact that he had to now was kind of freaking out. _Don’t worry_ , he told himself, _it can’t be that hard_.

            Those words turned out to curse him, as he found the car swerving and jerking, and he could just feel how awful his driving was. He also had Agent Romanoff next to him to inform him just how bad his driving was.

            “ _Cristos_ , Bishop. Are you drunk? Because the way you’re driving right now makes me think you’re drunk,” she shouted. She was still kind of hard to hear between the screech of Kate’s tires and the rumble of the lane dividers. Once he got his magic back, he’d have to fix her car. He was trying desperately not to crash, when Natasha noticed something. She frowned.

            “What is that?” She asked, staring at something above them.

            “I’m trying to focus on driving!” Billy shouted, as yet another car honked at him. He winced a bit.

            “It’s-“ Natasha said, but she was cut off as whatever it was approached Natasha’s window.

            “Hey, Agent Romanoff,” Kate said. She was being carried by Teddy, which seemed more and more like a smart decision as he thought about it. She then looked at Billy, “B- Kate, pull over. You clearly can’t drive right now.” Billy pulled over, which meant nearly getting hit twice as he switched lanes. Billy and Natasha got out of the car as Kate and Teddy talked to them.

            “Kate, you’re having trouble?” Kate asked.

            “How did you know?” Natasha asked, her brow furrowing with a mix of confusion and suspicion.

            “Magic,” Kate said with a shrug. When in doubt, that was usually the answer with Billy.

            “Uh huh,” Natasha said slowly. Kate was starting to get nervous. Natasha was smart, and Kate was worried she would start to figure out something was up.

            “Anyway, if you want me to drive, I can,” Kate offered.

            “If you have magic, why are you offering to drive?” Natasha asked. Kate was showing worry when Teddy stepped in to cover for her.

            “Oh my God, Agent! You can’t just _ask_ people why they’re offering to drive,” Teddy said. Kate smiled, as that _Mean Girls_ reference cemented her approval of Billy’s boyfriend. Fortunately, the quip offered Kate just enough time to think of an alibi.

            “My magic’s kind of on the fritz right now. I don’t want you guys to get spliced a la _Harry Potter_ ,” Kate said. In her mind, she smirked. That geeky reference would certainly make her seem more like Billy.

            “Spliced?” Natasha asked, frowning.

            “You know, when you apparate, but you don’t apparate all the way so you end up leaving a body part behind?” Kate asked. Billy nodded, knowing what she was talking about. Natasha showed even more confusion.

            “Well, I’m sure you’ll do a better job than _Dubiina_ over here,” Natasha said. Billy frowned, knowing he had been insulted, but not knowing how. Kate had known Natasha long enough to know that she just called him an idiot. Kate got in the driver’s seat, Natasha sitting beside her, while Billy and Teddy piled into the back.

            “This is weird,” Teddy said offhand.

            “You have no idea,” Billy muttered.

 

            They arrived at Clint’s building with Kate’s steady hand at the wheel of her baby (which replaced the baby that was currently a wreck at Madam Masque’s L.A. address). Sure enough, a group of guys in tracksuits was surrounding the building.

            “Futz.” Billy and Kate muttered at the same time. Natasha and Teddy looked at them with raised eyebrows.

            “Ready, team?” Kate asked, trying to think of a strategy. She didn’t have a bow, and Billy didn’t have his powers. This was going to be interesting.

            Luckily, they had Natasha on their side. She seemed to borrow America’s signature tactic of punching first and asking questions later. When one of them called her “Geenger Beech,” She knocked him out cold, and then muttered something in Russian that would have probably amazed Kate if she understood it. Plus, while Kate didn’t have a mastery of Billy’s magic, she still remembered all of her combat training, and even the disorientation of being in another body couldn’t stop her from kicking ass.  They made it through the door with a combination of combat skills and a little help from Kate’s friend pepper spray. However, once they got in the door, their demeanor changed instantly. After all, Kate loved the tenants in Clint’s building, even though they didn’t recognize her.

 

            Billy wasn’t used to being swarmed by people. Even after visiting several dimensions he had apparently created, he still was used to being inconspicuous. Plus, he hadn’t realized just how much time Kate spent with Clint, because the entire building recognized her. They were asking how Kate was, and if she needed anything, and if she could help with something. It was then that it hit Billy how different he was from Kate. He had spent the months after Cassie’s death sitting by the window, hoping that would somehow numb the pain of the loss. Kate went out and helped people, save the day. He had to admit: even though Kate had no powers, she was still a hero.

            They got to the door of Clint’s apartment. Billy hesitated before knocking. There was no response. He knocked again. Nothing.

            “Obviously no one forced the door, but it’s locked,” Kate muttered as she

put her hand on the doorknob. She turned to Billy, “You’ve got the key.” She stepped back as Billy approached the door. Billy was a bit confused by this action, but he didn’t have time to think about the meaning of it. He unlocked the door, and heard Clint muttering on the end.

 

At least he was alive.

 

            Still, just to be safe, he figured he should open the door. So, closing his eyes and taking a breath, he turned the knob to find.

            “OH MY GOD!”

            “KATIE, WHAT THE FUTZ?!” Clint shouted. Apparently, Clint was not only not in danger, he was also not in clothes. Down the hall, Billy heard Kate and Natasha laughing. Billy closed his eyes and shut the door.

            “The hell, Kate?” Billy asked. Suddenly, everyone froze as Billy realized his mistake. The smile slid off of Natasha’s face.

            “Explanation. Now.” Natasha demanded. Billy and Kate glanced at each other, before Kate started speaking.

            “You know the whole magic thing?” Kate asked, using her words to test the waters. Natasha simply raised her eyebrows, before Kate continued, “I kind of accidentally switched bodies with Billy.”

            “How?”

            “I don’t know! Billy?”

            “I cast a spell and it went wrong and I really don’t want to talk about it because I just found out things about an Avenger that I really didn’t want to know.”

            “Okay, everyone calm down. I’ll talk to some of the other Avengers to see if they know anything about this,” Natasha said, “in the meantime, try to keep things under control.” She walked off before any of the Young Avengers could get a word in. Kate, Billy, and Teddy all exchanged looks before Billy broke the silence.

            “Well, you heard the terrifying international spy. Kate, can you find a way to get me home?” Billy asked. Kate thought about it for a second.

            “I’ll drive you to my apartment, and then Teddy can take me back to your house,” Kate said. Something seemed off about exchanging houses with her best friend, but all of her concerns melted away as she drove the familiar route from Clint’s building to her apartment.  She wasn’t in her own body, but it was a ritual that felt distinctly _her_. However she was reminded just how different her life had become when she parked the car and saw her own face staring back at her from the rearview mirror.

            “Okay, loser, out!” Billy said, a light note to his tone. Kate chuckled, more out of obligation than amusement. Teddy caught up with her as she left the parking garage.

            “You okay?” He asked her.

            “Yeah,” Kate said, she thought about the statement, then added, “well, as okay as I can be in this situation.”

            “Fair enough,” Teddy said, and then wordlessly took her back to the Kaplan house. Of the group, Teddy was the most perceptive. Kate had decided that a long time ago. It was a title that stuck with him even as the group’s roster changed. Although really, none of the newer members would understand anything personal if it hit them on the head like a falling piano. Certainly if they did, no one would have _broken up with Kate in the middle of a battle-_

 

Not that she’s still angry about that, because that would imply that that hurt her. She wasn’t angry. Disappointed, maybe, irritated, perhaps, but not hurt and not angry. Even if she was, it was a topic for a later date.

 

So that’s that.

            “What are you thinking about?” Teddy asked her.

            “Huh?” Kate said. The question had pulled her out of her analysis of her relationship status.

            “You had that thinking face on, and I thought there was something on your mind,” Teddy said, a line appearing in his forehead out of concern.

            “Noh,” Kate said, with a bit of a sigh.

            “Oh, well, never mind. I can never read you, Kate,” Teddy said. She turned the statement over in her mind for a while, so it took her a few minutes to realize that Teddy had misinterpreted her answer.

 

            Billy wasn’t used to being home alone. Between his parents, two younger brothers, Tommy, and Teddy, he almost never had time to himself. So being in Kate’s apartment was a bit strange for him. Something felt off about the air for a minute, before he realized it had been abandoned for months and was only recently re-inhabited. He searched the cabinets, hoping to make a cup of tea to get his mind off of things. The cabinets, however, were filled with different types of coffee. _Of course,_ Billy thought.

            “Looking for something, Princess?” He heard someone say behind him. He instinctively turned around, ready to fight even though he didn’t have his powers, before he remembered Kate’s new roommate. America was leaning against the doorframe, raising an eyebrow.

            “Yeah, It’s been so long since I’ve been here that I forgot what types of coffee I have. So I guess I’m kind of doing inventory,” Billy said, although his nerves bled into his voice a little. It was enough for America to pick up on.

            “Bullshit,” America said flatly, “what are you really up to?”

            “I don’t know,” Billy said with a bit of a sigh. America’s face softened, “I guess I’m just trying to make sense out of everything going on right now.

            “You and me both,” America said, “I love living here, but living anywhere is still kind of weird for me.” The statement hit Billy harder than he expected. It wasn’t just what America said, but the way she said it, so matter-of-fact about being by herself since she was 10.

            “Oh, wow, America, I-“ Billy said, but before he could find a way to console America, she established that she didn’t need it.

            “Don’t. I like you, Princess, don’t make me change it,” America said, but the smile forming at the corner of her mouth was giving her away.

 

            Kate was used to solitude. Having America move in with her was a major shock to her system, because she was so used to having the apartment to herself. America was just one person, and until things got back to normal, she was living with five other people. Which is why it was a relief when Rebecca told her that she and Jeff were taking Ethan and Noah to soccer. Teddy seemed to know what Kate was going through, and he offered to go with the Kaplans. So Kate was back to something vaguely resembling her normal life. Sure, she wouldn’t be wondering if Susan would be calling to ask if she could apartment-sit, but she didn’t want to apartment-sit for her sister, anyway. Although at this point, she would spend a year in Susan’s annoyingly clean apartment that had a window that showed all of Manhattan if it would just get her back to normal.

            That wasn’t happening any time soon, though, so Kate just got on Billy’s computer and checked various social networking sites. She briefly wondered why she had significantly fewer twitter followers, before remembering that Billy was still logged in. As she was debating sending out a joking tweet from his account, she heard something in the kitchen.

            “Hello?” Kate asked, wondering what the Kaplans were doing back so early. She didn’t get a response. _Okay, this looks bad,_ Kate thought. Would she be paranoid if she grabbed the closest thing that could be used as a weapon?

 

If she did that, would she reveal that she wasn’t Billy?

 

She didn’t care about the answer at this point. Kate figured that she literally was better safe than sorry, and she scrambled throughout the room, before finding something that would work.

 

Billy figured that while he was a tea person, since he was pretending to be Kate, he should make a pot of coffee. The problem with that is that is that Billy didn’t know how to make coffee. He tried to experiment, but apparently he was getting it wrong.

“You okay?” America asked.

“Huh?”

“You’re putting water where the coffee’s supposed to go. I know you’re feeling kind of fucked up, but you always know how to make coffee.”

“Well it’s a new machine,” Billy said. He realized right after he said it that it was a bad excuse.

“No it’s not.”

“I’m used to the machine at my dad’s?” Billy said, but America could tell that he didn’t believe the words coming out of his mouth.

“Alright, Princess, what’s really going on?”

“Nothing!”

“Yeah, right,” America scoffed. She seemed caught up in the multiverse that existed within her head, before saying, “unless…”

She then proceeded to grab Billy by the shirt, and stare directly into his eyes with a venom she normally reserved for her opponents.

“What have you done with Kate?”

“What?”

“You’re not Kate. It’s really not that hard to tell. You’ve been acting suspiciously all day. Then, when I brought up Tiffany, you didn’t bring up how awful you think she is. There’s no way you’re Kate, so I want to know what you’ve done with her.

“Nothing!” Billy said. America narrowed her eyes, and Billy explained, “Okay, so you know how Billy has a horrible tendency of making bad decisions that backfire on everyone?”

“Yeah,” America said slowly, trying to figure out what this had to do with Kate’s whereabouts.

“I did that again,” Billy said, and a look of comprehension dawned on America’s face, before it was replaced with her signature anger.

“What the fuck?!” America demanded, “Kaplan, what were you thinking?”

“I- you know what, I don’t owe you an explanation,” Billy said, crossing his arms across his chest. The gesture didn’t have the impact he wanted, since his chest was a bit more, ah, textured, than he was used to.

“Well, considering you’re in my apartment, I think you do.”

“Fine,” Billy said. He took a seat on Kate’s couch, and told America the story.

 

“Mom? Dad? Teddy? Alex? Ethan?” Kate asked. Still, she got no response. She held her impromptu weapon warily as she padded down the stairs. She could feel the adrenaline racing through her veins as her pulse throbbed in her ears.

“Oh, shit!” The anonymous intruder shouted. Kate thought the same thing. He’d seen her. Well, she had to fight now. She pressed the button, and layers of blue plastic emerged from the base of the object she’d grabbed from Billy’s room, making her the wielder of a lightsaber. She didn’t have to be a superhero all the time. Tonight, she was a Jedi.

“’Oh, shit’ is right,” Kate said, taking the lightsaber and using it to beat the shit out of the intruder.

“Kid! Chill out. I’ll be gone, no problem, if you can do me a solid.” The criminal said, dodging Kate’s blows.

“I’m listening,” Kate said, but she didn’t stop with the lightsaber.

“You know Kate Bishop, right?” The guy asked. _Shit_ , Kate thought. This guy had broken into Billy’s apartment because he was looking for her.

“Yeah,” Kate said, playing along, hiding her panic to the best of her ability.

“You know where she is? And before you answer, you should know, Madame Masque is the one asking,” he said, looking at Kate darkly.

“I don’t want any trouble! Last I heard, she went back to Los Angeles,” Kate said. She put up her hands, but she didn’t drop the weapon. He accepted her “surrender”, which was good, because it meant she was able to beat the shit out of him with the lightsaber. She checked to make sure that Billy’s phone was still in her pocket, and then ran out of the brownstone.

 _I probably owe Ethan a new lightsaber,_ Kate thought. _I think that’s Ethan’s lightsaber, anyway._

“You’re a mess, you know that?” America said, with a bit of a smile. Billy just sighed.

“Believe me, I know better than anyone,” he said. America gave him a small hug, a gesture of affection he attributed to being the Demiurge. The moment was interrupted when both of their phones started buzzing. It was a text from “Billy”- which meant Kate needed to get in touch with them. Billy opened the text.

_Billy Kaplan: Something happened @ the kaplans. Chillin w/ u to for a while._

_Me: What???_

_Billy Kaplan: @ the subway station rn omw. Tell u when i get there._

_Me: OK._

            “Crap.”

            “What?” America asked, a crease forming above her dark brows.

            “I don’t know, but I’m really worried,” Billy said. Kate had just been at his house. Was his family okay?

            “This is Princess we’re talking about. I’m sure everything’s fine.” Billy wasn’t totally surprised, since he’d seen it happen before, but it was still really weird to see America be comforting.

 

            Kate knew that she probably looked strange to the casual observer, who saw a teenage boy holding a half-broken lightsaber and constantly checking behind his back. If she was being honest, though, she didn’t care how she looked. She was just making sure she wasn’t being followed. Much to her relief, she made it all the way back to her apartment without any issue, other than the doorman being a dick because she didn’t entirely look put together. However, America let her up and told the doorman to “be cool”. She walked in and was instantly bombarded by questions from Billy. Looking at herself being obsessively concerned made her wonder if this is what her teammates saw all the time.

            “Oh my God, Kate, what happened?” Billy said.

            “Your family and Teddy left,” Kate said, addressing the underlying question. Kate knew Billy cared about her, but he had to put his family first. She got that, even though she wasn’t as close to her own family, Susan aside. She continued, “and somebody broke in. I was an idiot and gave myself away, which is why I have this.” She gestured at the lightsaber.

            “So why are you here?” America asked.

            “The guy who broke in didn’t break in to steal shit. He broke in to find out where I was.”

            “Oh no…” Billy said, pausing his apprehension to ask, “wait, You-you or me-you.”

            “Considering he was asking on behalf of Madame Masque, I’d definitely say he was in search of Kate Bishop.” In a true demonstration of the expression “speak of the devil and he shall appear,” the door busted down immediately, revealing a familiar white jumpsuit and green mask.

 

            Billy wasn’t super sure of what was going on, but he was sure that it was not good. America was in fighting stance while Kate was frozen in terror, and he was just standing there.

            “Wow,” the anonymous intruder said as she grabbed Kate’s face, “I must say you exceeded my expectations. I didn’t expect you to lead me directly to Katie over here.” He narrowed his eyes at this remark, knowing that Kate hated the nickname, and that this definitely was a situation where he didn’t want to give away that they weren’t in their usual bodies.

            “All right, enough of this, _puta_ ,” America said, her fists about to make contact with the strange woman whose identity Billy still didn’t know.

            “That’s a bit rude. Maybe I’ll have to use you as an ashtray, too. Please call me Madame Masque.” So that was one mystery solved, but it left another question: what was the deal with the ashtrays? Billy didn’t have much time to ponder this, as her assistants who barged in with her grabbed him by the arms.

            “Let her go!” Kate shouted. Madame Masque laughed at this.

            “Oh, no, will you use a Jedi mind trick or what-the-hell ever on me?”

            “I could, but I don’t have to,” Kate said, and while Billy was paying attention to Madame Masque, and Madame Masque was no doubt paying attention to him, Kate had managed to grab her old fencing sabre from the hall closet. She was now holding it, and with a raised brow, she said, “ _En garde_ , jerk.”

            “I might be up to three packs a day with you kids,” Madame Masque said, gun drawn. Billy could see the panic in Kate’s eyes, and hoped she had a plan.

 

            Of all of the stupid mistakes Kate had made in her life, this was like, seventeenth. Which was worse than you’d expect, since she’d made a litany of stupid mistakes over the course of her life. Why didn’t she guess that Madame Masque would be armed? A sabre wouldn’t do jack shit against a gun. Maybe with her trusty bow and quiver, she could do some real damage, but that would give her away. So she decided to pull her Hail Mary.

            “ ** _IWantKateToHaveMyPowersForTwentyMinutes!_** ” She chanted as Madame Masque placed her finger on the gun’s trigger. She didn’t shoot, however, because the blue light that was glowing around Kate and Billy distracted her.

            She almost didn’t recognize the smile that graced her own face, although she wouldn’t have recognized it on Billy’s, either. It was a confident smirk. Not even five seconds after getting his powers, Billy was using them so much better than Kate could have even dreamed.

            Of course, all of this chaos magic had distracted everyone from the barrage of good old-fashioned punches America was throwing down.

            “Hey, puta, did you know that smoking gives you cancer?” America said, as she gave Madame Masque a solid blow to the head, “I’d kill you first, but our team has a whole no-murder thing.”

            The three of them managed to subdue the assassin and her goons long enough for America to open a portal and kick them in.

            “Don’t you think that’s kind of unethical?” Kate asked with a frown.

            “No, she’ll be able to get home if she really wants to, she’ll just have a bitch of a time.”

            “No, I mean, it’s a little unfair to the dimension you’re dropping her in,” Kate said, giving America her signature sharp look.

            “It’s the one with the squid people. I think they’ll be just fine,” America said dismissively. Kate couldn’t disagree with that. A frown appeared on America’s face, before she asked, “don’t you two have something to work out?”

            “What?” Kate asked, before she looked at Billy and saw her own face, “oh.”

            “I’m guessing you didn’t work this mess out because you didn’t want to fuck around with Billy’s powers, which I get, but since he has them back for a bit, maybe you should fix this?”

            “Right,” Billy said. “ ** _IWantKateAndMeBackInOurOwnBodies”_**

 

            It was the kind of spell that drained Billy. Despite being in Kate’s body at the time he enacted it, he felt the effects.

            “You okay?” Kate asked, blue eyes staring into his.

            “I feel a lot better knowing that you’re okay,” Billy said, a shy smile on his face, “although I still feel like an ass.”

            “Why?”

            “Well, this whole mess started because I didn’t know what to get you for Hanukkah,” Billy said, and he predicted America’s groan that followed.

            “You’re shitting me,” America said, each syllable drenched in annoyance.

            “Billy, that’s way too intense.”

            “Well, I didn’t know what to do!” Billy said, a bit of hurt seeping into his voice. Kate tried to hide her emotion, but even then, her mouth twitched into a very slight frown.

            “You literally could have just asked me.”

            “Well _now_ I realize that,” Billy said with a huff, “so, Kate, what do you want for Hanukkah?”

            “Can I spend the holidays with your family?” Kate asked. Billy and America both raised their eyebrows at this, and Kate continued, “I don’t want to go to my dad’s holiday parties and spend time pretending to tolerate Heather and watch Susan get wasted on eggnog. Also, I owe your brother a lightsaber.” She tilted her head towards the broken piece of blue plastic. America frowned and walked away, probably bored by all the touchy-feely friendship going on.

            “I’m totally fine with that,” Billy said, “I mean, I’ll have to ask my mom, but-“

            “Speaking of your mom,” America said, “She’s here.”

            “What?” Billy said, walking towards the door, “I thought she wasn’t even coming back home for another hour.”

            “Not her! Your Scarlet Witch mom!” America said, “also, there’s some Russian lady with her.” At this, Kate calmed down.

            “Oh, that’s Nat. We just need to tell her that we got everything worked out.”

 

            “You’re kidding,” The Russian spy said, once Billy and Kate told her they had solved their mess, “then why the hell did I hunt down Wanda?”

            “I don’t mind,” Wanda said, “it’s been a while since I’ve seen either of the twins. Although I’m glad Billy is back home.”

            “Inter-dimensional parasites, am I right?” Billy said with a bit of a laugh.

            “Kate, why was Clint in Queens last week?” Natasha asked. Kate glared at her.

            “He was taking Lucky to the vet. For Futz’ sake, I get that he’s a doof, but you need to chill.”

            “They did figure out how to switch back,” Natasha mused, “that’s definitely Kate.”

            “I could have told you that,” Wanda said, idly.

            “How?”

            “A mother just knows.”

            “Does ‘a mother just know’ about what her other son is doing with Kate?” America asked, “Because as her roommate, I’ve got to say-“

            “That nothing questionable is happening” Kate said, glaring at America. Wanda just blinked at this.

            “I might have to organize a family meeting,” Wanda said.

            “Get Rebecca’s advice,” Kate said, “she’s really good at those.”

            “Dammit, Kate,” Billy muttered under his breath.

            “I’ll go for solidarity,” Kate said, giving an apologetic shrug before continuing, “Before that, though, can we stop turning my apartment into Avengers mansion? I know it’s big, but it’s not that big.”

            “Fine, but you should change your window lock,” Natasha said on her way out. Kate looked at the remnant of her window lock, and decided that it was the least of the repairs she needed after that day.

**Author's Note:**

> Fun fact, this was saved on my computer as "I'm a dumb person who does dumb things like write dumb body swap AUs".
> 
> The Russian Natasha uses is:  
> Da- yes  
> Cristo- Christ


End file.
